How sorry I am to myself # Creation 27

I know that I am not like everyone, mortals ratify this to me everyday. People stare at me, rendering how sorry they are for me and my razed face. I can read the essence in their eyes, which are screaming disgust , an unacceptability for me to be in their vision. Nobody looks pleased to see me. They show me whispering to whom I failed to grab the attention. But I have no moans with them. I would have been doing the same, if I would be them. I avoid being in crowd.

They just remind me of the misfortune who is me.I used to live like a free bird until he burnt down my feathers of confidence. Those parties, family gatherings look like no more for me. Sometimes my friends invites me for partying , clubbing and all that hangout stuff I used to do then, but its like that incident have extracted out that me out of me. I can’t be the same again. Though, My life is not changed that much. My family still loves me a lot. Mom still kisses me on my forehead every morning, she still put that chilli spray in my hand bag whenever I tell her that I would be late from my classes and Dad, he still brings me bunch of chocolates and buy me those tempting Beautiful dresses which look extremely gorgeous on Mannequins. Though, sometimes I think about the people who have changed since then.

I don’t feel complaintive generally, but I just think sometimes that God could have brought me that fiend a little later. May be a week or two. Or he would have acknowledged me about its coming. So that I would tell the person, whom I had loved about my feelings. I don’t know what he had felt for me, but now I am not strong enough to face him, because I am afraid that I would see sympathy in his eyes, eyes in which I have always wished to see love for me. God, if you had given me any sign that this is going to happen to me, I would have consent when dad used to convince me for my marriage.  I would’ve not be a burden on you dad. I am sorry dad.

He was daft actually. He thought that chemical would just burn my face, he didn’t know that it would effect intrinsic. He didn’t know that it would demolish the whole me, it would kill the psyche inside my body. Might be I would have tolerated that insolence that day, but as a human being, I was unaware that he would revert me so deep to hurt his ego. He is jailed but still he won , I lost. His cruelty is still mapped on my face.

But as it is said, no one can snatch the art inside you,even his hatered couldn’t. I can still portrait pictures so lifelike. Pictures which are so colourful, so lively as the life inside me is depicted down on the paper. I have many accolades decorating up my shelves but I think art is something which must be passed on, so I teach sketching to kids . I love to spend time with them . They  don’t critique me for my face. Its like they think that Drawing teachers look like that. They don’t sympathize me and I feel much comfortable with them. Hachiko, My dog is my lifeline too. I share the laughters and tears with him. I feel that he understands me better than the most of people out there.

I know that fate has chosen different paths for me which have spikes and sufferings on each step and I have made to walk on it, but God, I promise you that I would make out a happy life out of the breaths which are left , for the people who still love me and for making me believe that I didn’t lose to him. I will win one day. Yes…I will do it.

                                                                          :-Garvit Agrawal

Apprehensions #Creation 26

We fear. We fear to say. We fear to admit. We fear to step up. There are fears which are abating the profounding us. Fears which are keeping us to be more ourselves. Fear to express, fear to feel. But just stop it..stop it right now.

Stop letting your fears fadeout your winked heart. And rememer one thing that the fear to loose will never let you win. Just forget about the god damn consequences if its not jesting up the ethics. And Understand that result is not the conclusion always.  If there exist something that brings you closer to yourself, or gives you a self satisfaction and happiness then don’t bother yourself, just do it. Any outcome can’t be worse than a regret of life time.

Live high. Do the wildest things, tell people how much they matter for you, get yourself high on alcohols.. it wouldn’t kill you damn it, propose your love in the most romantic style you have ever imagined, no matter how stupid it is… reciting william black on your knees or whatever it is. Jump down into the water from that heightened cliff, don’t try to manipulate the mountaineer inside you that provokes you to climb up even in a temperature that is beating the zero, spend on the things you love even if it would ruin your savings,trust that ripcord and jump down from thousands of feets above the ground and feel that how it feels to be uncapturable. Do your dream jobs even if don’t earns you much bucks. Think less, fear least and just live out a life so amazing that it left nothing to repent about. Life is beyond fears.

@Garvit

"Dear Sister"- An Open Letter #Creation 25

I had never thought that someday I would miss those little things so much. Those family stuff when we all used to sit together, eat together in a place which have its definition by each one of you. When we used to celebrate birthdays so warm, when I used to save my pocket money just for two causes, to bring you Rakshabandhan gifts and to buy that red remote control car. We had fights for almost everything which I had to share with you, whether its about accessing the tv remote or for that narrow space in front of that ‘bada wala mirror’, whether its for the crackers which dad used to bought to us or those devoted desires to bat first in those crucial cricket matches with you in the backyard. It all was too infantile and stupid, yet beautiful.

I had never considered it much then, but in the later times, I have realised that you were my first best friend, with whom I have spent my whole childhood and artless. I still remember the times when I was in my earliest teen age and I  used to manage a intense tough look to those loafers who used to follow you with their eyes when we used to walk together to the those street food stalls in the market and the times when you used to pamper me when I got sick and motivate me for participation in competitions and burst up my self confidence. You guided me through out, whether it was studies or whenever I tried cooking.

You were some 2 years elder to me, but I never felt the difference in ages. But now, I feel the difference. You are married now. You don’t live with us any more. You are family to other people too, who are miles apart. And I know I can’t even imagine how hard it would be for you to opt between two families, in which one would never have been an option. Whenever I make my way to home in any sort of vacations, it all feels incomplete. Mom-dad are a bit pale now, may be because we both are not with them and they are aged now. I think they have got used to of this hush. But my mind fails to adopt this change everytime when I come home. I can watch the whole football match and now no one would poke me to change the channel, but now its not that Joyous, may be just because you are not here to urge for your daily soaps. Though we had never missed a single chance to roast each other, but I really miss our togetherness, our arguments, our late night ice cream parties., our long talks in which we used to share everything, from the lies we have spoken to mum. .to our infatuations. We had good understandings. But permanency is extraneous from the dictionary of life.

Now, I wait up for the junctures, when you will be here and this house will look like a home again and this inanimateness screw out of our lives and we, the family would look complete.

@Garvit